


Horror at No. 66 Hobbs Lane

by varenoea2



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Gen, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Monsters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 17:53:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3819535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/varenoea2/pseuds/varenoea2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone named a street after Russel's grandpa, a famous parapsychologist. The Gorillaz have a look at the street, especially house no. 66. But it's a trap! Horror, demons, monsters and critters, fun and games.</p><p>I wrote this for the official Gorillaz' fansite's fan fiction competition back in 2002. And won :) Stumbled across it this week and rew-wrote it. My English wasn't too hot back then. Apart from the language, I changed nothing. I still think it's pretty good entertainment, even without smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Horror at No. 66 Hobbs Lane

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Gorillaz, or the Geep, or any of the really existing people or bands named in this fic. I also don't know any of them personally. This is a work of fiction, and nobody is making any financial profit from this. Especially not me.

“Always wanted to ask you”, 2-D said out of the blue when we left the tube, Regent´s Park “are you related to Thomas Hobbes?”

“Think about it, moron”, I said. “Russel´s family name´s Hobbs and not Hobb-e-s. Hobbes with an e was white and British.”

“No need to snap like that”, said Russ.

We must have looked a scream as we were trudging through the neon-lit night, towards Piccadilly Circus, through the snow that piled up on the pavement. 2-D looked as nutty as ever, only worse, with a dreadful red bobble hat. Russel, forming a sheltered zone from the snow flurry, was wearing a white down jacket and looked like the Michelin man. Before us, knee-deep in the snow, Noodle shuffled along, looking like a fluffy shapeless bright pink caterpillar. You could hardly see her chin under the hood. She should have fallen on her kisser every two seconds, considering she couldn’t see a thing, but somehow she found her way. I was wrapped in a green scarf up to the eyelids, because it was bloody cold. 

“´cause I read”, 2-D went on, “that they named a street after Thomas Hobbs, Hobbs without an e, and I thought maybe you´re a relative of Thomas Hobbes with an e, it just was just a thought, of the other Thomas Hobbes of course, the one with the e.”

I built a snowball and put it into 2-D´s mouth before he could drivel any more rubbish. 

Russel grinned. “As for Thomas Hobbs without an e, I’m really related to him.”

“Eh?” That was a surprise all around.

“My grandfather – maternal. I´m serious.”

“If Thomas Hobbes is your grandpa”, muttered 2-D, “Bertrand Russell must be your grandma, right?”

My head began to hurt. “Keep your trap shut, faceache! – What did he do to have a street named after him?"

Russel scratched his head. “Must be because he’s a parapsychologist. A pretty famous one, too. But I never heard about a street getting named after him.”

Ah, parapsychology. So it ran in the family. It only made sense.

“No offense, but talking about parapsychology, where´s Del?” I asked. “He wanted to come along, didn´t he?”

“He’s asleep in here. Had a hangover from last night”, said Russel and tapped his head with the forefinger. “He said the headache would kill him if he wasn´t dead.”

Somehow the two seem to crack jokes about the word “dead” all the time. I never found out what they found funny about it. After all Del was, in fact, dead, and he could get pretty unpleasant when you reminded him. Unless you were Russel.

What we were going to watch? “The Exorcist (Director´s cut)” was on. I thought it would be good education for Noodle. Russel, that old fusspot, didn’t. But Noodle had seen it before, anyway. Smuggling her into the cinema was a bit tricky, but thanks to this furry pink parka 2-D could pick her up and pretend that he was mentally retarded (OK, let´s face it, that didn’t take much acting skill) and she was his cuddle toy.

Personally, I knew how to exorcise before I saw the movie, but I hadn’t known that possessed people can turn their heads 180 degrees. Years later I wanted to try out if 2-D could turn his head like that (with some modest support from me, of course) – but Russel got in my way, the bloody party pooper. What a lack of curiosity on the grandson of a famous parapsychologist! The thirst for knowledge had to yield to brutal violence. Where was I?

So we came out of the cinema later, full of popcorn and coke and completely happy with the universe, when Russel asked where the street actually was. 2-D said the name of some dump that I don’t even remember, but it was somewhere out of Feltham. 2-D had read this in a newspaper the wind had carried at his feet, and torn out of his fingers again when he had just finished reading and he had never heard the title of the paper before and that it had been the only article...... 

I know what you’re thinking. We could have spared us the shittiest night of our lives. Or could have spent it on more pleasant things. I´ve got plenty ideas of things you can do to while away a night, but not only nights, I don´t mind it any time, so if any ladies should be interested, the Winnie stands in.....OK, OK, I´ll stick to the point, Satan, a man can dream, right??

Anyway, the night was young and Noodle wasn´t tired, and decided to visit the street to inspect the new Thomas D. C. Hobbs Lane. So we drove out of the city, through the suburbs, and finally we found a weather-beaten little signpost showing the way. The snowfall was so heavy that we only saw the town when we came onto the main street.  
Noodle started to make a row and pointed at an old- fashioned street sign. Really, we had found Hobbs Lane. The houses were all dead quiet and dark. We got out of the Geep and strolled down the street. We were just arguing if these fart- faces at the ministry could have dedicated a prettier street to Russel´s grandpa when we suddenly reached the end of the street (and of the village). Outside the last house somebody had stuck a “for sale”- sign into the frozen ground.

I said, by my father´s soul rotting in hell, that was No. 66, and if we shouldn´t consider buying it and turning it into something fun. 

“Well, in the dark all these chimneys and the wild trees look nice and creepy, but in broad daylight it´s probably just a creaky old box”, Russ said sceptically. “On the other hand, with some white paint and a golf course and a swimming pool in the garden…” 

“Hey guys, the gate´s open!” I said. “Let´s have a look!”

Russel rolled his eyes. “You just want to steal stuff.”

“Good thing I ate a whole cup full of garlic today”, said 2-D cheerily. “Looks like the kind of place where you get vampires, eh?”

Suddenly there was a flash in the sky and thunder, and the wind was pulling dry leaves through the air. Like in a grotty horror movie when you enter the spooky castle. Looking closer, the “Hobbs Lane No. 66” mansion was built painted a shabby yellow. Only the twisted chimneys were stylish. It would be a lot of work to make it look scary!

The door had a lion-head shaped knocker. It wasn´t locked, and we stepped into the hall. It was so dark that you could barely see the gallery above us. It smelled stale, but also quite sweetish and bad, like puke. Suddenly a shadow flickered through the hall above our heads. 

“Hey, is there anybody here?” cried 2-D. No answer. The only bright thing in this darkness were the little clouds our breath was producing in the cold. 

I turned around to the others. “I saw something up there. Bats probably.”

“The house is a ruin”, Russ thought aloud. “Be careful where you step.”

I picked out my lighter and looked around in the light of the small flame. Suddenly someone blew it out. Loudly.

“Stop that shit, D”, I said angrily and kicked into the dark but didn´t hit him. 

“That wasn´t me!” I heard him beef somewhere.

“Who closed the door?” I heard Russel somewhere else. 

Something nabbed the lighter out of my hand. I growled: “Noodle, if that was you- I don´t give a rat’s arse that you know Karate, I´ll give you a real sound thrashing as soon as I´ve found the door!” One day she will unlearn Karate, and then I`ll give her a spank. My time will come.

Some sparks and a short flash of weak light, mixed with a passionate yawn, and Del, fluorescing pale blue, blinked around suspiciously in the darkness. He looked like he had just been pulled out of a bin. “Yo, wazzup?” he said. “Ugh. Man, where are we? This place don’t feel good.”

We explained it, and he said there was something fishy going on here. “It ain’t natural”, he added. “Someone here hates us.”

Klicking and squeaking sounds came from Noodle. Suddenly little red lights started to glow on her helmet, and lit her grinning face. It wasn’t much light, but it was something. We stumbled over to her, and then we all walked around the room, looking for the door or at least a light switch. We found neither. Where the door had been there was only a white wall. 

Suddenly a big double door opened up on the gallery. By itself. Light fell down on us.

“Ah.” It was not a voice. It was more like a hiss or creak, like from a burning house, or at least what you think a burning house sounds like. “You´re here. Very... nice.”

We looked at each other. Zombies, all fine, you know where you are with them. But this voice belonged to somebody who hated each of our guts personally. Which was strange, because we didn´t know that somebody. 

“Come closer, come closer”, the voice continued, “I´ve been expecting you for hours. I will show you something.”

We looked at each other again, and went/ floated up the stairs. Then we stepped into the bright room.

The door closed behind us. Flickering candles were stuck in dark niches (sssssstyyylish!!!!). In front of a stained glass window, a dark grey shadow rose. It looked more like a cloud than a living creature. It had no eyes. But more the floor was even stranger than the ghostly cloud. It reminded me of something I had often seen before.

“Hey, that floor’s an Ouija-board!” called 2-D happily. “Like in the movie, see? Cool! Can you conjure spirits with that floor too?”

“No”, hissed the dark creature, “I needed this board to conjure you. You should remember that every door can be opened from both sides.”

“Why did you conjure us?” asked Russel frowning. 

“Because”, the thing raised its voice, “we´ve met before. You invited me to a lot of your séances, and now I returned your invitation.”

“Ah, that´s alright”, I said. “No need to thank us. It was fun.”

“Fun!!!” The hissing sounded like water on a red hot metal plate. “Yes, fun! For you!!”

I got the gist, and it pissed me off. “Eh, can’t take a joke, eh?”

“You detained me”, hissed the thing, “detained me and questioned me like a criminal, you grilled me! Again and again! You made fun of imprisoning me time and time again for as long as you wanted to, until I could escape! Each time!”

The thing moved towards us and seemed to grow with every footlength. “But you didn´t know who you were dealing with! I became a first-rate demon a couple of hours ago, and the first thing I’ll do with my new powers is take my revenge on you!”

“Russel, hold your hands on your ears!” whispered 2-D. “Then he can´t get into your head! Maybe he wants to possess you!”

“First”, said Russel, “that´s no use if a demon wants into your head, and secondly, I’m already taken.” That didn´t keep 2-D from holding his hands over his ears. Then it struck him that he had a nose as well. He tried to hold his nose and keep his mouth shut at the same time and nearly choked to death. The best idea he ever had. 

“Come on, bro, relax”, said Del. “Between ghosts: It ain’t happening again. Promise.”

“No!” the demon screamed at him. Then he added sweetly: “I really want to see your guts all over the floor. But I’ll give you one chance. In a minute you can try to leave my Ouija board, like I had to escape you every time. Then you are free. Otherwise you´re prisoners here for the rest of your life. And that won’t be long, because here are some friends of mine you will meet soon. Demons and monsters. But someone with your spiritual experience should easily win this game, right?”

“Are you Captain Howdy?” 2-D became all excited. “I´ve got a T-shirt with your name on it, can you sign it for me?” 

“Shut up, brain amputee. – But he´s right”, I said, “who are you anyway? Why should we know you at all, eh?”

“My name”, howled the demon, “is Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg!“

Damn. We really had met him at our séances. Often. Really, you always meet that shitty ghost (if you don´t watch out and stop after the p). Somehow everybody meets Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg in séances all the time. Must be a bloody law of nature. 

“Especially you!” A clawed forefinger suddenly stuck in the air, right before my nose. “You keep them messing around with the dark powers!” Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg had dropped the suave act. 

„Careful, mate“, I said, „I’m Satan’s own, so don’t you dare touch me!”

“Oh, we’ll see about that”, said the demon and came so close I could smell his foul breath, “but I know for sure I´ll have a good time playing with you. And I hope you enjoy the game!” He laughed. It was a very unpleasant sound. His body began to fade, and then he was gone. The torches flickered out.

It was pitch dark now, only we were standing in a spot light that seemed to come from nowhere. We looked at each other when suddenly the walls started to drift apart and the room and the Ouija board grew and grew. We only knew one thing to say that fitted the situation, and Russel was the first to say it: “Shit.”

“Thanks, Russ, that was very helpful.”

Noodle screamed and pointed towards the stained glass window. There were huge insect legs and feelers against the pale moonlight, between them a heavy long body in a shell. And that thing was coming for us.

“That’s a mantis“, said Russel just before another shadow fell on us. Looking up we saw another huge mantis hanging over us. Its feelers swung through the air as if they were looking for something to grab. Us, for example. 

“There´s the door!” 2-D ran off, clutching Noodle´s hand, and we made a dash for it, between the insect´s legs. I looked back over my shoulder, and just then, one of the mantises got ready for a jump and shot through the air. “Watch out!” I shouted and dived out of the way. I landed and rolled over the floor, a leg or whatever else hit me with the force of a car and kicked me some yards away, fortunately in the right direction. I got back on my feet, swore and coughed, and followed the others. 

We had reached the “YES” and were almost at the door. Suddenly a huge rusty grate fell down before us, but it only forked Del, who couldn’t care less. 

For one second we were petrified, but then Russel shouted: “We can just get around it, c’mon!” By the time we were back in running mode, the mantises were nearly there. One crashed against the grate, the other got hold of Russel´s foot and dragged him away – but in that moment the door opened and a flight of bats of all sizes flew in and filled the room, and came so close that their wings touched our faces. 

At that time we were only screaming. You would have screamed too, believe me. We struggled to swat the bats away, and fortunately the mantises did the same and let go of Russel. 

Somehow we got hold of one another. When the bats were gone, we ran through the door, and the darkness swallowed us again. But in the light of Noodle’s helmet we could see that we stood on the gallery over the dark hall. No Ouija board in sight. 

“C´mere!” Russel stumbled down the stairs to the left. Suddenly he stopped dead, and we bumped against his back. 

“W-what’s going on with the stairs?” asked 2-D. The boards under our feet began to dissolve and drift apart. We looked for support – in vain.

“Now what?” panted Del. He was probably scared out of a good old habit.

“Why are you bloody worried?!” I shouted.

Then the stairs and the balustrade tipped over. With a scream from 5 throats, so perfectly synchronised that it would have moved a chorus leader to tears, we fell into unfathomable blackness. 

We kept on falling.

I finally hit the ground, feeling as if I weighed 20 stone. Stars were dancing before my eyes. When I tried to get up a stabbing pain in my back made me wince. I fumbled at my back and felt that my anorak was torn where the mantis had hit me. I also felt something warm and sticky on my fingers. For a moment I stared on my fingers. It was blood. Mine, more exactly, and that upset me. I stood up while 2-D was just getting his shit together, and I gave him a kick to help him. It´s so easy to turn frustration into positive energy.  
Russel had landed some feet away, luckily, otherwise there would have been casualties.

Noodle in her bright pink jacket looked like a sad toy hiding behind Russel. She´s anything but jumpy, but this was not just some simple zombies that decay by sunrise.  
The floor started to shake and went wavy. And the floor, take note, was an Ouija board again. 

“Hey!” I yelled and threatened the universe with my fist, “Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg, you wanker! What are we here for? We were already through with the board!” 

From the darkness at the rim of the board a horde of three-foot long roaches crept up on us.

“Let´s get outta here!” Russel was the first to pull himself together and ran. That was a good idea to begin with, but then a wall came in our way, white and so big you couldn´t see the end of it anywhere. We were trapped, once again, and the roaches came closer. 

“What we do?” Noodle stammered. 

“Kafka wrote”, explained Russel, “that you throw an apple at them and hope it gets stuck in their back and rots, and they die of it.”

“Won´t that take too long?” 2-D asked.

“Anybody got an apple?” Russel asked.

“Anybody got spray deo?” I asked. 

“I’m glad you had the idea”, said Russel, “and I´m glad that you see that you need it, but do you have to catch up on hygiene now?"

“I can take a shower, but you will still be fat, see”, I said, “and we need some bloody spray deo, and fast!”

2-D took out a little spray can. “I´ve got some hairspray.... only a cheap one, you know.....”

“A fat lot I care!” I pulled out my second lighter. “Hey-ho, let´s go!” Watch and learn. This is the way to deal with roaches. How to do it: You spray the roaches and hold the burning lighter into the stream. That makes a nice little flame- thrower. 

“What are you doing?” shouted Russel. “Have you finally gone off the deep end? 

“Noooo!” The first roach caught fire. Funnily enough, it vanished into thin air. They were only demons and monsters, and didn´t seem to like their vulnerable mortal bodies. “This is the first time today I´m having fun! Nyahahahaaaa! Die!!!!!”

Suddenly the roaches started to yield. 

“And now?” 2- D whined.

“Along the wall. There must be a door somewhere”, said Russel. “I hope so, at least. Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg isn’t playing fair.”

Noodle waved excitedly. “Boys, this Ouija board, yes? We séance. And ask Thomas Hobbs.”

It took us a minute to get what she meant.

“Brilliant!” It took my breath away. 

“Whoa!” 2-D nodded hard. “That´s great. That´s so great I don´t even understand it.”

“Yeah, well, there´s a catch”, said Russel. “Grandpa’s still alive. I mean, I don´t want him dead of course, but you can’t séance someone who’s alive.”

“Shit!” I shook the can. It was empty. “Hairspray´s all gone!”

“There!” Del was floating over our heads. From above, he could see better than us. “The shuttle! Over there!”

We ran there and climbed on it. The shuttle was about as big and high as a king size bed and the roaches couldn´t climb up. So we crouched on the Ouija board’s shuttle like on an island in a roach ocean, and we were at our wit’s end. My back burned like hell and I felt blood running down my spine. 

“So, why don´t you call him?” urged 2-D. 

“`cause he´s alive!!” Russel seemed to loose his patience. 

“Thomas Hobbs or anybody!” 2-D got up. “Can anybody hear us? Anybody? Satan? Captain Howdy? Tooth Fairy? Is there anyone there?”

Half a second later he fell on his kisser (on me, unfortunately), and the shuttle shot over the board like a greased lightning, from letter to letter. We screamed at the top of our voices and tried not to fall off.

YESOFCOURSEIMTHERE pause ABOUTTIMETOOYOUCALLEDME

“Satan?” My heart missed a beat. That I would live to see this day! 

“Captain Howdy?” called 2-D. “Can you sign my T- shirt?”

“Tooth Fairy?” asked Russel.

MEOFCOURSEMYBOY pause IMAPARAPSYCHOLOGIST pause ICANHEARYOUEVERYWHERE pause THATSMYJOB

“Grandpa?” Russel´s eyes popped out. “We can conjure you though you´re not dead?”

LETSCALLITCONTACTME pause NOTCONJURE

“I don´t want to disturb that meeting with the old man”, I said, “but how can we get out of here?”

“Can you conjure us up to you?” asked Russel quickly.

ONLYYOURSPIRITSNOTYOURBODIES

“Tha´s enough, man”, said Del satisfied.

“Go screw a pig!” I snapped at him. 

THZRFPLYMT2TTTWRWEHZG pause KEEPSYOUINHEREWITHHISCONCENTRATION pause DISTRACTHIM pause ANDHECANTHOLDYOUANYMORE

“He holds us here by means of concentration – like we do it when we have a séance?” asked Russel. “How do you break up a séance?”

“One cheats”, said 2-D. “And the others argue about it!”

“You mean if we write him like “your wife is doing the wild thing with your neighbour just now” that gets him distracted?” I said. 

MAYBEITSWORTHATRY

“Aight then!” Russel peered down on the roaches, which were creeping up on the shuttle. “Let´s try it.”

OKGOANDSEEMESOMETIME

“Yep, see you soon, grandpa”, said Russel. “And thank you.”

ANDBRINGYOURNICEFRIENDSALONG

Noodle squeaked. Now that we were standing still, the roaches came close and stretched their feelers up to us. They also rattled their jaws.

“Got any more spray?” I asked desperately and shook the can.

“Nope”, said 2-D. “Gimme!” He shook the spray can and tried to squeeze the last bits of spray out, with the lighter in front of it. His fingers trembled so much that no good came of it, but he held the flame so close to the plastic head that it started to melt and caught fire. With a scream he threw the can far away.

“Idiot, bloody idiot!” I grabbed for the can but luckily didn´t catch it. It landed between the cockroaches. And then it exploded with a bang. But not only the roaches burned – the board did, too. The fire spread on the dry wood, and smoke started to fill our lungs.

“Well done”, I snapped between two coughing fits, “well done, shithead!”

The beasts vanished all at once wherever the flames licked. But that didn´t really jazz up the situation. “Come on, there´s no fire over here yet!” Russel hopped off the shuttle and ran for it.

We jumped over the board and suddenly we reached another wall. “Watch out!” I shouted. The wall collapsed. We ducked away from the falling stones. Bricks, more exactly.  
When we looked up, the wall was a ruin. We climbed over the rubble and left the fire and the board behind us.

It was dark. Musty carpet under our feet. 

“F*** me, what was that?” Russel fell to the floor and wheezed.

Above our heads the white balustrade of the gallery was shimmering in the darkness. We were in the hall, and in front of us there was the door. It was half open and light shone through it.

“Let´s get out of here, guys!” shouted 2-D and flitted for the light. We followed him.

Outside there was still a wild blizzard (not the one of Ozz, unfortunately). The storm howled in the leafless trees. We ran to the iron gate.

“Congratulations”, said a well-known crackling voice. We froze. Before us in the biting cold air Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg appeared. He was floating three inches over the ground and had folded his arms, as far as we could see. “You put up a good fight. None of my demons could bring you six feet under so far. But maybe these. My best ones. Very lethal.” 

Behind him the ground broke up. Black creatures slowly rose from the snow. Skinny, shaggy black arms with long, crusty claws reached for us. The most frightening thing was that there was no visible world outside the gate. Outside the fence bars there was nothing but black. 

Everything began to turn black before my eyes too. My back ached with every breath. Maybe I had broken some ribs.

“That´s not fair!” 2-D shouted. 

“No”, said Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg, “but I never said it would be.”

“Just one question”, said Russel. “Why Hobbs Lane 66 to lure us here?”

“Well”, said Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg, “it seemed to fit.”

“.... and if the shit fits”, Russel murmured, “wear it and don´t ask questions.”

“Listen, brother, we were never out to diss ya”, protested Del.

Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg gave his creatures a sign. They rushed at us with huge leaps. We looked around hastily for a way out - 

Only Noodle put on a big grin and went one step forward, saying cheerfully: “You wife make nasty thing with neighbour now, you know?”

“???”

For one, two seconds the demon lost control. Suddenly the street with its silent houses flashed up behind the bars. 

“Let´s go!” I shouted and stumbled to the gate. 

“She spends much too much time with you and your bad influence”, huffed Russel behind me. I still think I have a great influence on her. She saved our lives, there, after all. Luckily she´s not into souls.

Thzrfplymt2tttwrwehzg slowly caught on. “Get them!! I´m not even married!” he screamed in a cracking voice. His monsters hunted us through the gate into the street.

“To the Geep!” gasped Russel. We rushed along the snow-covered Hobbs Lane with our last bit of strength, and after all we saw the car at the end of the lane.

The houses started to blur and vanish as we passed them, and instead there was only snowy wilderness, trees, not a sign of humans, not even the concrete road that had brought us here. 

We ran for our lives, the monsters behind us. The street was falling away steeply, and we fell over our own feet and rolled down the vanishing asphalt. I was only stopped by a wheel of the Geep. Somehow I got back on my feet, saw 2-D fling open a door and pulled myself up on the car, climbed up and landed on the backseat. And then everything went pitch black.

 

I don´t have a clue if I was out cold for some seconds or half an hour. I only know that, strangely enough, the Stone´s “Angie” was going around in my head. 

With no loving in our souls and no money in our coats, you can´t say we´re satisfied- but Angie, Angie, you can´t say we never tried....

I saw Noodle´s face, so pale that the dark eyes looked like narrow windows to a different universe, and I half-heard her spit out a torrent of Japanese. I winced when I realised the twisted position I was in. I was folded up to fit onto the backseat. It was no wonder that I saw Noodle because my head was in her lap. Above her flapping hair the starry night sky was rushing by. I had a feeling that probably everybody knows: Like you need to puke and you can´t.

“Did we give them the slip?” asked Russel.

“Think so. There – isn´t that a road?” 2-D said from the front-passenger seat.

“Nah”, said Russel and sounded concerned, “only some small river.” Russel did, in fact, not have a driver´s licence. Once during a driving lesson Del had taken a notion to leave Russel´s head. This always gives Russel the reactions of an anvil for about 20 seconds. It had been pure luck that nothing serious had happened back then. Del swore he would never do it again, but the driving teacher didn´t believe in ghosts and attested Russ lifelong un-fit-for-driving-ness.

“I hope we get these bloodstains out of the cushions”, sighed Russel.

“And if not?” 2-D said worriedly. “Not a good look, huh?”

“Thanks”, I croaked, “your concern about me is so touching. Thanks.”

“Hey Muds”, said 2-D and turned around. A graze stretched over his face; it gave him something 13-year old girls who go for his tacky hair would have called “dashing”. Little shite.

Noodle stroked over my hair and mumbled something in her dreadful English. It sounded like “it´s gonna be all right” and I tried to get up, but didn’t make it. I had too many arms and legs to sort. 

We were driving through the wood at a breakneck speed, there was not even a path, over rocks and potholes, through the wilderness. There were voices everywhere. You couldn´t distinguish if they were caused by animals or by the wind – or by something else. Snow was driven over the black sky by the wind.

“You know what I fink?” 2-D frowned in thought. His brain creaked at the unusual effort. “It was a trap. When we come back here tomorrow, the village and the street won´t be there any more. Like in a horror story.”

Anybody could have told him that.

“Who cares”, I said. “I´m buggered. I want a hot bath and a quick death afterwards.”

“Bath? What, it´s not Christmas yet!” said Russel. He didn´t grin. For those who are slow on the uptake: he meant it. He couldn’t be more wrong. Not on your life would I take a bath on Christmas. Not before Easter. After the crucifixion. 

Suddenly 2-D screamed at a volume you usually only hear after you´ve coughed up a few thousand pound for a Sony sound system, and shot up from the seat and fiddled around in his hair hysterically. We other three nearly had a cardiac. Then 2-D brought the cause to the light. It was small bat that must have got stuck in his hair. That hysteric little faggot. A bat. 

“Give it to me, give it to me!” I begged. In my shitty state of mind, killing a small helpless animal sounded lovely. “Lemme bite its head off! Like Ozzy.”

Noodle told me (in her unmistakable way) that I shouldn´t even lick the bat if I liked the present shape of my nose. Well, I didn’t like it, but I didn’t think she would make it much better. So I let the bat go. It fluttered away over the treetops and vanished in a little ball of lightning. Strange bat, really.

“Hey!” Russel drew a deep breath. Far off car lights flashed and vanished, and we saw a concrete road with a white stripe in the middle. The nightmare was over. We reached the road and drove on it, no matter in which direction. Noodle fell asleep instantly, and her head in the pink fluffy anorak hood fell to the side on the headrest. I leaned back with a moan and closed my eyes. My blood was oozing into the cushion of the backseat and I´d have sold my soul (if I still could) to be home now. Why is it always me who gets it if bumps are available? Why me all the time? What do I ever do to deserve that?! 

But by and large, it was okay. We were alive, for a start. Del was, as Russel said, between his ears, and all that was left to do was to repair the damages. We found an abandoned cassette between the front seats and threw it in. LedZep´s “Kashmir” flooded into the night, Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, and Russel started to rap the Puff Daddy stuff over it, but after a while he stopped. 2-D didn´t say anything for the rest of the night. He had lost his bobble hat and was busy mourning. Slowly the world got back into shape.


End file.
